How to Succeed at Comps Without Really Trying, Week 5

I love naps.

Seriously. They feel good.

Sometimes I get so excited that I’m about to take a nap that I’m unable to fall asleep.


I’ve always joked about how reading is the closest thing you can do to sleeping without actually doing it. Except, this is no longer a joke. It’s true, and it’s a damned hazard.

I’ll start reading on my big brown LoveSac, then, after a few hours (or minutes depending on how well I slept the night before) I’ll start to notice myself dozing. I shrug it off. Sit a little straighter, but as soon as my eyes close for that extended blink, I know it’s only a matter of time before I reread the same page for half an hour, my eyes spinning their metaphorical tires in proverbial mud.

The progression goes like this. Sitting. Slouching. Laying. Asleep.

I’ve tried battling it. I don’t drink caffeine, so I figure, I’ll have a lil’ black tea and then have a sustained reading speed close to that of the Flash. But all this does is delay the nap for about 30 minutes. (I even researched how to prepare tea to make sure I wasn’t f’n something basic up, like you could somehow make caffeinated tea without releasing the caffeine. I studied charts on water temperature and steeping time. Turns out it gets quite technical).

I’ve gone for runs. Which wake you up. Right until you sit back down.

I’ve tried reading in public (which only equals public naps).

The nap always wins.

Then the cat outside starts howling, and I wake frothing.

Let me speak plainly. I hate this cat.

I hate this cat with a religious like insensitivity. I hate this cat as much as I hated the guy who, a few apartments ago, moved in below me and snored so loud that I had to 1) shift my sleeping habits so that any naps I took were at night and 2) move my bed into the kitchen.

This cat’s noises are so ass-clenchingly horrendous that they single handedly disprove the existence of God. I can’t even find a recording of a cat making noises that come anywhere close to this. I repeat, I can’t find anything this horrible sounding on the internet. The internet. Which contains this article which says that scientists have identified the 5 worst sounds. I’d take any of these over the genocidal warbling of whatever is slothing around my neighbors yard.

Because of the thick foliage, in the neighbors yard I haven’t been able to see this cat, which makes me think I’m not dealing with a cat at all. It could be some sort of grub demon spawn, sent straight from hell, and sent with no other purpose but to rattle my sanity every 35 minutes, which, I guess, would prove the existence of God.