October Flash Fiction: 12 Rules by Jeffrey Z Rothstein

12 Rules

Jeffrey Zachary Rothstein

1.) No riding the ponies past the Gatacan sphinx; this is doubly so for Kirlian photographs conceived in divine toad sweat, especially when glandular navigations are momentarily agitated by coronal dampers.

2.) It is prohibited to reinvent underwear as a general category! You may, however, marinate your own underwear, as a specific instance; except in cases of hytro-encephelated abalone, where standard rules do not apply.

3.) The Frox are to be left alone; they have 62 sprawling pincers—all the better to invade Romania; but you shouldn’t have to be told!

4.) Never ponder un-reticulated riddles, or engage in soulful facial gestures as a prelude to recapitulating previously resisted inquiries; particularly amidst the airless beachheads and toenails, which inhabit elves like soil-encrusted pill-box twils on horseshoe-planets—which are forbidden to speak of anyway!

5.) If you clunk it, you spelunk it—everything has to be retrieved at the end of the day, including the residual diurnal clays hiding like methane lakes of dragonfly-wings behind reluctant clouds. Pratuskian whelk nets are no exception!

6.) When organizing Sprax clumpets, thresh morphinistically in bales of soft eyes; and be polite! The panoptic jell-sac is likely to be watching.

7.) Always assume that I am not talking to you, except indirectly, on rare occasions, from the inside of an air-conditioned snide-proofed Grebe egg repository. Also, do not address Blavatstein by name, as glass-persons are assigned only to above-ground sand-networks; to infer otherwise is tantamount to brazenly unqualified Mr. Spockulation, and could result in the ethoxylated monoglycerides of a no compromise loaf, small l, for the length of a pre-reticidian minute.

8.) Greased Merlots are exclusively for droking; remember to always erpinulate your glyptodonts and tethers—use Oblavian oil.

9.) Pre-invagination, is a no-no; same for wild-cat exploratory rhinoplasty… Post-hoc, proprietary invagination should only be practiced when lost in the mountains and overwhelmed with thoughts of camel husbandry.

10.) The Jaditz are always fat; diet is not an animosity but a tubular and elusive capitulation…Vibrating closer to the cylinder can exceed the authorized ceiling for the multiplication of differences.

11.) Massaging the colloidals of the Shagus constitutes a dangerous propagation of the Vanilla Fudge; and binding agents can’t be expected to swallow the entirety of the moon, if it doesn’t first agree to be completely truthful.

12.) When the cycle is completed, dispense with all granulated Presbyterians, chloroform obstinate termite queens, clean adjacent grease chambers and fold the canopy into an ever tightening helix of distilled refulgence. Repeat this last step until all lights are extinguished and the oceans have dried to a pasty resin…When you do finally evolve large enough flippers to glide across hot plasmas, there will no longer be anyone around to see it.